I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
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