We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
