What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Randomize
