i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
