Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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