He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
