i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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