checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
