Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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