I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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