she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
