I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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