My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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