He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Are my feet made of real feet?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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