Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
