Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
