i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
