I will die if light touches me.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
