i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
