Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize