I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
