bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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