I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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