so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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