I just threw up on my dentist
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
