I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
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