I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
