i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
