Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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