Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Randomize
