if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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