after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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