Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Is it penis luge time yet?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
