Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
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