first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
