I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize