so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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