He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
It's shark week go big or go home
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Randomize
