Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
