I think scott just propositioned me for sex
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
