You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Houston, we have a squirter
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize