Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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