i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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