I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
