I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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