Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
