Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
