I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
