Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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