shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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