new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
