I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
