I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Randomize
