I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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