I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
