He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
