He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
