One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
